About This Tree

For all the years of our marriage, all 12 of them, The Tree has been an issue. I married a Christmas curmdgeon who felt it was all too much, a result of being married in round 1 to a woman who loved excess I am told. More! More! More! Never again, he said.

I am not like that but after years of living in countries where Christmas was just another day, and it was usually hot as ...well worse than Florida or Hawaii... I loved being able to go back to my childhood love of Christmas. As a single woman I did what I could for those years between marriages and never got caught up in the Shoulds or Gottas because I knew both my money & my time were limited.  Also, my children were teenagers and somewhat jaded.

Our first year of marriage was a battle for a live tree. Now I had someone to cut a tree again!  God Forbid! he cried, and so I went with friends. We all got trees and I came home to a sullen husband. But I had my tree. He deigned to put it up and you'd think the Eiffel Tower was being constructed. I asked if I could help, occasionally, but mostly left the room. One doesn't encourage bad behavior or language. I don't and I knew it wouldn't help if I laughed.

That year we said No Presents, which to me meant no big presents. I mean, stockings have to have some little things in them or so I thought. The stockings were hung well before Christmas and he had a new one from me. Come Christmas morning, there was a man having a hissy fit because I had bought little things for his stocking while he got me Nothing. Absolutely nothing. It was an early lesson in how each of heard different things from the same words. His sulk lasted a long time despite or because  many of our male friends said "You did WHAT?"  He stopped mentioning it.

In some subsequent years we had an artificial tree, ones that were unlit and required yards of lights. Other trees were pre-lit and half the lights wouldn't work for year two. One artificial tree drowned in a basement flood ....don't ask! 

One year during our house renovation we had a funky tree of lights but no furniture or finished anything. I don't believe I asked for a live tree again even though the offer was made. Once bitten, twice shy.

There were years we had presents. Mostly we didn't and were both ok with that. The stockings don't get hung.

This year, I was going to pass on doing a tree but he looked a bit unsure. Did I really mean it or was I going to regret the decision? Finally I said, Ok, see if we have a tree in the cellar and we'll use it.

He found the skinny tree and it was put up with no complaints, nor any reminders. The lights worked! I decided to continue the use of cookie cutters on the tree and just a few more ornaments since the tree is in the kitchen.  I finished up and saw looks of...well, not quite disapproval but certainly not satisfaction. I should have known. This man likes bling and excess whether he knows it or not.  Simple and/or elegant don't quite do it for him. Yes, we have the tree up - just as he once said he never wanted at all - and now he thinks it should have more decorations, LOTS more! Sorry luv, I just don't have the energy for putting them on AND taking them all down and packing them away. That woman no longer lives in our house.

Perhaps next year we'll celebrate Hanukkah? Potato latkes and bags of gelt. Sounds perfect!

Some Days...

Some days, I  say...

"You can't wear that shirt; it has a stain on it."

"Where?"

"Right here." I say as I put my finger on it.

"I still don't see anything!"

"Here!" turning him to face the mirror.

"I don't know what you're talking about..." grumble grumble

But now, through the magic of iPhone technology, I can take a photo and say, "Look.", and the shirt gets changed even though the grumbling may continue.

man trying to deny he got food on his shirt

6 days in June

6 days alone.

Well, not quite alone since I have Sebastian (the Siamese) who needs thyroid medication twice a day, feeding in periodic intervals during the day, and litter box emptying. But alone without my dh. He has taken a trip to Madison WI, a place I thoroughly enjoy but having gone on a short trip with him recently, I needed my alone time.


I have learned that while a natural extrovert, I am also seriously in need of time on my own in regular intervals. I'm an only child and I often forget how that time alone has really shaped me. More and more I also believe that a good bit of my need for interaction with other people is filled by the various social media and other net communities that are part of my life. Now that I am retired, I relish the time home in my own house. I need time alone in my own house, and bless his generous heart, my dh gets this now. We had those conversations in our early marriage that included the phrase "This isn't about you, it's about me!" It isn't that I want him gone, it's that I want to be alone. I need to be alone.



What do I do? Well, I've learned not to spend serious time cleaning because he never notices. Any cleaning that is done has to be a clean out project that I have either been avoiding or putting off because it would interfere with our daily life. If it's just me, I can cope a lot more easily with messes that don't get finished. (btw, this does not imply that my dh minds any mess. Far from it... but he wants his meals, and he wants them when the clock strikes.)


I also rarely cook, until just before he gets back so there is something ready and waiting. I often eat a lot of popcorn because I also watch a lot of movies. This week I saw "It's Complicated" , "Avatar", "Crazy Heart", 4 episodes of "House" season 1, and 6 episodes of "Mad Men" season 3. I also finished two Shutterfly books and got them printed! Whee!!! I gathered a big bag of clothes and some other housewares for the local charity shop, and also did some needed housekeeping on the computers. Pretty much I stayed home unless I had to go out. All in all, I had a great time!

Ah Laura...

"But I also know that, you know, when couples are committed to each other and love each other, that they ought to have I think the same sort of rights that everyone has."

If only you could have spoken out more strongly on this while you were First Lady.

Up in the Air but not on a Plane

What is it they say about making plans makes God laugh? So much changed this weekend from what we planned, then revised, then planned again. One trip had been planned, then that was changed to another trip. The hotel was booked, the boarding passes printed, and the plans made to meet a friend were confirmed.

Then our old cat Sebastian really seemed to be really worsening...fast. We thought it might be "magic needle" time as we certainly didn't want him kept alive longer just for our sakes. A quick trip to the vet, bloodwork and tests, and signing a dnr form (do not resuscitate).

We still planned to get on that plane (probably) but overnight we came to the decision that this was not the 'next indicated thing' to do. Our friend in CA always uses that phrase as guidance when you aren't sure of what to do next. "Just do the next indicated thing." Terry says. Works for us. A quick early am call to Louisiana let our friend know she would have to eat for us at Sunday brunch at Brennan's'. sigh



When we called for the test results, it turned out to be a treatable issue...this time. Hyperthyroidism. The hardest part is cracking those wee pills into quarters. Ok, so we stay home. Well, sort of...DH decided he DID want to go on the original trip, and I was glad to stay home and do a petwatch to make sure the meds were working. We each get some time alone and sometimes that's the best thing for this marriage. But you know what? I bet dh is planning something even as he's off riding his bike!

The Name of the Game

The other night I woke up at 3am thinking of something my dh had discussed with me. I guess the thought was just taking its time percolating in my mind because I sure I don't like waking up at 3am...

Earlier in the evening, we had discussed, yet again, his ongoing frustration with our (his) inability to combine our timeshare and credit card 'points' into one account. The greatest # are in my name and so those are used when we make hotel reservations hither and yon. What's the big deal?? I asked, seriously not seeing any issue. Well, they're in your name! he said. BFD!! So what?? I replied. He continued to mumble and finally said, Well I have to use your name!! and I don't like it!! I just shook my head and said So get over it... and went back to reading my book, thinking no more about what seemed to be a very much of a non sequitor to me. Fast forward to 3am.


I got it! He was having to do what women have taken for granted for so so many years. Ah, my dear, you can only be a person and conduct commerce if you use your spouse's name. Oh don't have a spouse? Well, you do have your Daddy's name don't you? I got it, I got it! He was so unfamiliar with this loss of name it shocked him and rightly so. He didn't like it! By the time this concept was starting to bother me as a women, I had already had two men's names. Even worse was carrying a passport that proclaimed me "a dependent of a person (abroad on..)" while his passport proclaimed he was "a person (abroad on...)". This now xh used to taunt me with that, reminding me that he was a person while I was merely a dependent of a person. "Can this marriage be saved?" I think not, and it wasn't.

When I finally woke up later in the morning, tho I was tempted to spring out of bed and dash to the computer, I had my tea and told my dh I got what was bothering him about the points. I reminded him that I had, once again, changed my name to please him when we got married even tho I had not originally planned to. I knew it meant more to him than it did to me. (aside..I only regret this when I remember I have moved down the alphabet in lines.) I said - Suppose you were named John Smith and you married Jane Doe, and henceforth you would be called Mr. Jane Smith. Get it??? He got it, and I know he does, but then he said...But sometimes they CALL me Maureen! Well unless the call center is in Mumbai I don't have a clue about that one! But I don't think we will have the points discussion again. Knowing the man, I suspect he will be processing this for some time to come.

Both legally and familiarly, as well as in my books,
I now have only one name, which is my own.
Colette

Does this look good to YOU

First of all, ignore the paint samples...

*I get dh a new (to us) pine bathroom cabinet.

*We agree on the placement.

*He asks if I mind if he drills a hole in the cabinet for a cord to connect electric shaver and toothbrush. I agree.



This is NOT how I expected it to look...decidedly not dark brown, and he thinks I'm the extreme critical fussbudget. Somehow I am having flashbacks to our renovation days....
Perhaps in the future, the outlet can be moved to be INSIDE the cabinet, something we did in the downstairs bath. The engineer looks for functional; the wife looks for functional AND good looking. Sigh....

Time to Look Elsewhere For Me

Yep, it's time to hit the road again, or rather the skies...

Look for me over at Get in the Car to hear about our adventures at higher altitudes. It's also the area where we were married 7 years ago, and so it's nice that Dick has a work trip to give us a chance to get back to where a lot of the official fun began.



WEDNESDAY - Mostly sunny in the morning then becoming mostly cloudy. Highs around 60. Northwest winds 10 to 15 mph in the afternoon.

WEDNESDAY NIGHT - Cloudy with a 40 percent chance of rain showers. Lows around 40. North winds 10 to 20 mph.

THURSDAY AND THURSDAY NIGHT - Mostly cloudy. A 40 percent chance of rain showers. Highs in the mid 50s. Lows in the upper 30s.

FRIDAY AND FRIDAY NIGHT - Partly cloudy. Highs in the mid 60s. Lows in the lower 40s.

SATURDAY AND SATURDAY NIGHT - Mostly cloudy. Highs in the lower 70s. Lows in the mid 40s.