Those words trip of most of our tongues quite easily. We all know in our head how to do it...you Just Do It. But even when the heart is engaged in the process, somehow the world doesn't always let it happen. Questions about her keep coming in. Some of them are just concerned friends who could just as easily call her to ask her how she is. Do they? Will she speak to them? Some of them ask me to project an outcome based on her ...what? past history? current situation? information I don't have or need to have or even can have? I can do many things but not predict the unpredictable.
Other questions come from professionals because in the end it's easier for her to refer them to Mom rather than answer them herself. Turning over and sleeping keeps her problem at a distance. Does she even know some of the details of her own life? Where is her important paperwork? Packed in a garbage back from when she was evicted. Most of us women keep our id in our purses. When we go out that id is invariably with us. We know how it would be needed ...in case. She's rarely grasped that concept. She says it's not important. Once again, it is important.
So today has been 5 days since she's lived in our house but her unmanagability keeps seeping back in with the questions that concern her life, and her choices. This time she has cancer. The stakes are higher. But the pattern is no different. For over 20 years it's been a desire for someone to rescue her, to fix it all, to make it go away. She's 38 years old. One change is that I'm no longer taking that role. I've let it go and said, It's not my responsibility. It's yours.
This time the issue really may go away. Really go away...and then the final letting for those of us still alive will just continue. It's already started.
Friday, February 3, 2012
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3 comments:
It sounds so hard for you. Parenting in these troubled times so often is. Thinking of you. Cherrie
Oh, Maureen. My heart goes out to you. My eldest tried to kill herself last October. We ran to her side, 1000 miles away. Why? Not because we were allowed much information or could help much. Not that she called out us or wanted us to see her in that condition. But because we love her. Only she can tackle the issues that brought on the self-destruction. We can't want it for her more than she wants it for herself. Letting go is not easy at all. Somehow, loving our daughter goes on. <3
~ Margaret
Maureen:
No matter the age of our "kids" they are still our "kids". Life forces us to let them go physically but we never completely let go emotionally. It is at times like this, that all the past hurts and rescuing come flooding forth, and we return to the old feelings of guilt etc. I can only say, I understand exactly what you are feeling, and I send you my love and prayers.
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