Monday, August 10, 2009

Same as it Ever Was

I have seiously loved the Talking Heads song"Once in a Lifetime" which I never heard till the late 80s, having been out of the US when it first came out. For me it means that no matter what is going on on the surface (of my life) there is water underground. There is a flow to life that exists and manages the process but it is invisible to me.

Now that our friend Gloria has finished this earthly segment, we are still mentally and emotionally involved in the long term prospects for our granddaughter Bekah. My dh has finally said that he feels she is likely to succumb to an infection at some point. I know that was really really hard for him to come to grips with. With her continuing ups and downs, it made me realize we have never known anyone, especially a child, who has a chronic, life threatening illness. (I am excluding active addiction here.) We don't know what it means to go thru this day after day, month after month...year after year?

Looking at Bekah trying to have a normal life and yet have her temperature taken every hour boggles my mind. When I said to my dh that I thought that might be excessive, he finally told me what he had been thinking. I've watched so many of my friends suffer as they tried to maintain hope for Gloria that it leaves me in a dilemma. Do I continue to have hope for Bekah? and encourage my dh to? only to make a possible sudden decline seem all the worse? Or expect the worst and hope for the best?

Each time I think I have come to grips with the concept of letting go, I find there is another deeper level of acceptance to master. It reminds me of the wonderful discussions we had in sophomore hs Religion class with Mother Helen. How do you balance an omniscient God with human free will? I know I have had those times of complete understanding, but right now is not one of them. At least I do have a history of 'getting it' and that gives me strength thru these murky days.

So, my dh dives more deeply into reading and bike riding, and I find solace in the digital. Maybe that's all I really need today. That and a phone call from a friend that helps me understand I truly do believe what I say to her. There is a plan and it's ok if I don't know the details right now. It really is ok.


Stephanie Vetne said...

((((hugs))) What a powerful post this was!

Mozer said...

Aww Maureen! So heartfelt. Sending you a big ((HUG))

Marysol said...

M, I had no idea this was going on in your life. My thoughts will be with both, you and DH, and of course, Bekah.

Many hugs, dear.

Quilter422 said...

wonderful post, i love how thoughtful it is. continued prayers for Bekah and all of you.

Just a Plane Ride Away said...

Such deep thoughts. Thank you for sharing them with us.

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